To the Former Resident of Willow Way 8 
Brandi Wells
 

I’m glad you didn’t renew your lease. You didn’t have to slam the door or roll your eyes when I asked you to. I ask everyone. But it was funny when your over-sized flannel shirt got caught in the door and you bumped your head on the light fixture outside. When I rushed to see if you were okay, I didn’t really care. I was just doing my job. My job includes making sure people don’t die on our front porch.

Now that I’m no longer an employee of Willow Way, there are a few things I want you to know:

1. It was inappropriate to sit at the desk next to me after you paid your rent. We are not friends. I do not need to know what movie you saw last week or how many cigarettes you smoke a day. I mean, I can guess how many cigarettes you smoke by the odor radiating from your flannel shirt and skullet-hair.

2. Please bathe your dog more than twice a year. And if you aren’t going to bathe her more often than that, please don’t ask me if I want to pet or hold her. No, she isn’t cute. She’s smells like dog, has tangled dirty hair and it is especially not cute when she pisses on our carpet.

3. We do not need to know that your roommate keeps his bedroom door shut all the time. I would keep my door shut too. Otherwise you’d come in, sit too close to me and talk in a very low voice. You’d begin sentences and never finish them, hoping I’d ask you to go on.

4. Your neighbors complain about you. It’s not that you’re loud. You don’t throw trash on the ground. You pick up your dog’s excrement. None of these are issues. It’s the staring. They say you stand on your front porch, smoking cigarettes, and you stare at them. One girl said you even walked halfway down the staircase, stopped, and watched her unload all her groceries.

5. Please don’t ask anyone at the rent office if they want to hang out or see a movie. Please don’t ask to borrow my car. I don’t care if you only need to go to the grocery store, right down the road. And no, I won’t give you a ride to Blockbuster.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do to improve yourself. Perhaps if you completely quit interacting with people. Sit quietly in your room, watch your scheduled television and walk your dog. Do not make eye contact with anyone while you’re walking your dog. Don’t smile or say hello. It’s too late for smiling and hellos.