Dear NASD:
By day, I’m a securities dealer. However, in the evenings, I bartend at a local establishment called [name redacted]. Recently, a pirate ship docked outside the aforementioned establishment. The captain demanded enough rum to turn the sea gold. I asked him which sea since, according to lore, there are seven. He clarified—a case.
I judged him to be reasonable since his salt-and-peppered beard was evenly trimmed at the bottom. I disclosed that I wasn’t running a not-for-profit and, since he wasn’t a NASD member, I couldn’t charge him wholesale. He muttered something about pistol-whipping. We agreed to ten half-ounce gold coins.
I considered the following factors when effecting this transaction:
(1) The Type of Security Involved
A case of golden rum, which consists of twelve bottles. Depending on how I handled the transaction, one security dealer’s / bartender’s life.
(2) The Availability of the Security in the Market
The rum market is liquid. (The pirate grimaced, too.) Security dealers and bartenders are a dime a dozen.
(3) The Price of the Security
Depending on the quality, cases of rum range from $100 to $300 dollars.
(4) The Amount of Money Involved in a Transaction
The pirate had a “booty,” which he didn’t quantify. The WSJ reports gold is $900/oz. I didn’t have a measuring scale behind the bar to verify the weight of each gold coin.
(5) Disclosures
I made the following disclosures verbatim. Pirates shouldn’t raid and plunder while under the influence. Ice is not a fixed commodity and may rapidly depreciate under certain circumstances. I cannot be held responsible for injuries incurred by some poor land-lubber from broken rum bottles. I am not responsible if you cannot drink left-handed. Your matey is not party to this transaction.
(6) The Pattern of Mark-Ups
I charged all hook-handed customers less than those without hooked hands.
(7) The Nature of the Member’s Business
At night, I’m a bartender in the business of selling alcohol and other assorted bar foods. Due to my position within the bartending industry, I can procure rum at prices not generally available to the drinking public. This is true for pirates as well (assuming the pirate didn’t obtain rum by plunder).
Primae facie, it appears that I charged the pirate $4,500 for a case of $300-maximum rum. However, I submit that my life deserved a premium, even if temporary. Plus, if I were to receive any benefit from the transaction, it needed to be expedited. Am I guilty of violating NASD Rule 2440-1 and gouging my customer?
Sincerely,
[name redacted]
Dear [name redacted]:
Your analysis is flawed:
(1) – Did you ever consider charging a premium for ice?
(2) – Did you call other local bartenders to determine the availability of rum in the area? Puns don’t earn points. But your point about security dealers does.
(3) – Couldn’t you have said “kobe beef rum” or “marbled rum”?
(4) – Booty is equivalent to “junk in the trunk.” Pun for pun is the rule.
(5) – You forgot “I am not responsible for diseases contracted while wenching under the influence.”
(6) – What about peg-legs?
(7) – No one else buys their alcohol cheaper than us. Hence the rulebook.
Your biggest mistake: your letter’s paper. It’s too thick. Notice our rulebook is printed entirely on wax paper. We’d write it on moth’s wings if scientists would hurry up and produce growth hormones for moths. Thin paper equals gravitas. See the Bible. See encyclopedias. Pages bleed into pages until the text itself is unreadable and unquestionable. Your pirate customer sent us his complaint in sonnet format on the back of a rum bottle’s wrapper.
Thin paper is also closer to not existing. Our rulebook takes one match, five minutes at a shredder, the smallest of the seven seas. Poof! That rule no longer exists. Just like you.
Sincerely,
NASD
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Jason Fraley works in the financial industry. Thus, he cavorts around Columbus, OH as an argyle sock to maintain anonymity. His work is scattered about online and in print.